I had been pretty fucked off after the script read. Not because of the feedback, not because the script was not where I thought it was. Because I felt like we lost our balls. Like I lost my balls a little bit. I got so fucking caught up in the whirlwind of trying to appease everyone, as we all did, that we lost sight of what we were trying to achieve – making the film WE wanted to see, with the help of the people around us. I didn’t even take the time to consider how exactly I wanted the script to be developed, I was too busy trying to accommodate those around me, close & far. And in the midst of all this, I thought I’d take a step back from my producing responsibilities and try to focus on the writing/directing side of things. Little did I realise that my chief responsibility as a producer had been to push the project along, be the heart & soul of the thing. Even having Chris point this out to me, I still thought it to be their responsibility to keep this train arolling. NO! NO FUCKING NO!
I grew my balls back. I thought about what needs to be done, how we’re going to move forward together, what has made us a great collaboration of filmmakers, about what will continue to serve that purpose and realise our dream of making SHOTGUN! into a reality and now the ball is back to rolling. Some times you need to put your personal relationships with people to one side, your sense of sentiment towards them for the benefit of the project. That’s not to say we’re not still all good mates & will continue to be so. But this is my baby, and I’ll be damned if it’s not gonna be the best damn film it can be.
In saying that, I’ve now been attempting to broaden my network of people to call upon for advice. Been putting myself in touch with people like Glendyn Ivin, Greg McLean & Anthony Hayes, people who have travelled the path, recently & not so recently, that we are embarking upon. I added them as friends on facebook & sent them a msg. The inevitable “what if they don’t accept, think I’m weird and then I ACTUALLY MEET THEM, jeez that’ll be awkward” thing comes up in my mind. Then I look down & see my balls, and just do it anyway. Fuck it. Fuck it all. The time for pussy footing around is over. The time for lights, camera ACTION is here. So if I’m a cunt to you in the next little while, I’m sorry. Sincerely. But know that I’m doing what’s best in my mind for moving this project forward!